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We have surely had our share of sleep issues with our little one. She had severe colic, coupled with acid reflux as a newborn and well into infancy, and was not able to self-soothe. Crying also worsened her reflux, so even if we wanted to go the “cry-it-out” route (which we never wanted to do!) we didn’t have that option. Our pediatrician advised us to keep her sleeping upright at all times, and most nights, she slept right on my chest, as I sat on an incline. We are convinced having her in bed with us may have saved her from choking on a couple of occasions, as her reflux was so severe, we had to sleep with a nasal aspirator in one hand to suction out her mouth many times a night. Bottom line: we did not get a natural sleeper. When she was ten months old, I was forced to quit nursing for medical reasons, and my purist, formula shunning self went through great sadness. However, it was then that Olivia went from waking up 10-12 times a night to nurse (yes, you read that correctly), to waking up only once. My husband and I gave her 1 bottle of formula at bedtime, so we knew exactly how many ounces she was taking in. Then, as Dr. Sears advises, my husband was the one who tended to her when she woke up as she was so used to doing, several times a night. After four nights of him cradling her, rocking her, and loving her when she wanted to nurse, she started sleeping through the night, realizing she no longer needed those nibbles to sleep. This wasn’t without a few tears, but there’s a huge difference between holding your crying baby close to your heart while reassuring them, and leaving them alone to cry themselves. As for co-sleeping, she is now 18 months old and still spends the majority of every night in our bed. She starts off in her crib, which is sidecar to our bed, but we have to “wear her down” in the Nojo sling for every nap and every bedtime. When she wakes up in the middle of the night yelling, Mommy!? I simply bring her into bed with us. We can’t say this is our IDEAL situation, as we’d love for her to be able to self soothe and fall asleep on her own and stay asleep in her crib, but the way we see it is, this period of her life is so short, and our time with her is divinely precious. Yes, it means being kicked in the face, having your pillow usurped, and having your nose headbutted, but we’d much prefer her near us than down the hall in a cold, dark room. We cherish our cuddles with our sleeping baby, knowing this time is actually fleeting, even though those newborn nights seemed endless. I used to be afraid to admit all of the craziness surrounding her sleep habits, but I have embraced it now, and it makes it much easier. I think people are way too swayed by what doctors and other parents say they SHOULD be doing, and parents should just follow their own loving instincts when it comes to their child and what sleeping situation works best for their family.

After our sons one year check up the doctor informed us that he now can sleep threw the night. Our son had other thoughts about this! My son only sleept in our room a hand full of times and it was never in our bed. The first three months I thought I wasnt ever going to make it. I wasnt living day to day I was living moment by moment. I have come to realize that just because other mothers or doctors think that a certian way of doing this or that isnt nessissarly best for the baby. For example we could never co-sleep. I was informed that it was safe as long as we werent over weight, no sleep apthima, and neither of us were drinking. Well were both over weight my husband suffers from sleep apthima and would have a beer after a hard days work. I toss and turn all threw the night. It just wouldnt work out for us. Then we would be stuck with the question of when do we put him into his own bed. Our pedi informed us that babies need to be feed all threw the day and night, depending on there age, so blood sugar levels stay where they need to be. But once he truned one then it was no longer needed. What is so majic about one? We adjusted to what our sleeping needs were. I ended up putting a twin bed in our sons room after he was born. But moved back in to my our bed as he did not need me as much. Basically do what is safe and what your family needs and adjust as time goes along. I do belive it is unhealthy, for my family, if our son were to sleep in our bed. Once he is older we plan on having a palet on the floor instead of squeezing in our bed. Its a plan, not set in stone and we will adjust as needed. My advice: this is what worked for us. As long as everyone is safe then do what is best for your indivdual family. There is not a true right and wrong or majic touch that works on every baby to get them to sleep threw you have to figure it out.

I think that I am going to be in the minority here, and what I have may not really apply to your situation. Each baby is obviously different, rarely ever fitting one single mode. I have also been told that most things practiced in the first year, whether co-sleeping, using a pacifier, whatever. can be easily corrected if they become a problem.

My wife and I both work and so that means that we were obviously looking at how we can all function as a family together. We have had to balance letting her fuss for a few minutes (we never made it much longer than a few minutes) with picking her up, feeding her, or seeing if a pacifier would soothe her. I think that is a battle we all fight. But the demand feeding was never an option. The danger is that a baby snacks and then never really gets the second hind milk that has all the good calories. Our process was to get full feedings to stabilize the baby’s hunger. Her body then allowed the baby to sleep. We are at almost 14 weeks and our daughter gets about 6-8 hours of sleep a night. I take the late shift while my wife goes to bed early (8:30-9:30) and feed at about 10:30. Our baby almost always fall right asleep at about 11:00 and goes until about 4:30-6:00. She is on a 2.5-4 hour feeding routine. She is about the happiest, most laid-back baby I have ever seen. She is most definitely a well-adjusted baby and the routine allows us to take her places with us because we know roughly what her needs will be. We have been going out to town with her since she was two weeks old without any major problems. She rarely fusses unless she is tired or hungry. I can’t say enough about the routine.

Like I said, I don’t know how relevant this is if you are demand feeding, but you are now talking about mommy sleep deprivation and that is one of the big factors in postpartum depression. Just remember that you need take care of yourself so that you can take care of your baby. I love my daughter so much it hurts some times to think that she is going to change and not be the sweet baby forever, but I love my wife at least as much and so that means that I want her to be healthy and able to live a well-adjusted life also.

I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but I thought I would share my story.

Peace,

Aaron

Cedar co-slept with me and his dad pretty much from birth. Personally I think this is why I got more sleep as a new parent, not less. If I would have had to get up to feed him, change him, what have you, it would have been hard. It was way easier having him in my bed. Plus, to be honest, I don’t see the point in having a baby then placing them so far away in a crib. (We never even owned a crib). It’s semi-unreasonable to me to expect a little babe to sleep all on his own after he’s been living in your belly so close to you. Then he’s born and you ship him off to be on his own. It seems kind of rude and sudden for the baby. Cedar slept far better with us than without us – and would sleep through the night by the age of 8 or 9 months (I did ween him off of night feedings so I could get more sleep – plus for the sake of his teeth). I think that when a baby sees that he is part of the family in such a large way it’s comforting and makes him feel closer to the family unit as a whole. All in all, I’m super pro-co-sleeping and in our case, we experienced very few cons.

I will just add to some of the great comments already made. One thing that I have gathered from talking to other parents and reading lots of blogs and forums (and from my now three-year-old) is that babies/kids are wired to sleep a certain way, each child is different and something that works for one baby may not work for another. There are definitely babies who need to sleep in their own space, and more so that need to sleep near their parents. There are kids who will wake in the night until their six even if their parents do sleep train. Conversely, there are kids who will sleep through the night from birth (though they’re few and far between and most, even if they do sleep through the night in the beginning, will undergo a regression around four months and start waking in the night). Each family really has to figure out what works for them without feeling pressured by others’ opinions, and if it works, stick with it and don’t feel guilty!

Second, attachment parenting is not the strict adherance to all those great AP philosophies. Yes, they’re great and they do work for lots of people. But attachment parenting is listening to your instincts as well, and answering your baby’s needs. If your baby *needs* to sleep in their crib to get a good night’s sleep, or doesn’t like being carried as much, or whatever, you should, to some extent, answer those needs. It can be sad but you can strike a happy medium between your visions of a perfect AP life and their actual needs.

Third, as for sleep books, I would recommend Elizabeth Pantley.

And lastly, we co-slept (with a 1-2 month period of my daughter sleeping in her crib in her own room, at 5-6 months) from birth till 20 months. I nursed on demand (she got plenty of hind milk). I nursed her at night until she was 18 months old, when we night weaned (using Dr. Jay Gordon’s method). My daughter moved into her own bed, in her own room, at 21 months. She still nurses at three years old. She is very independent (or interdependent I suppose) and she sleeps through the night in her bed, 9 nights out of 10. When she needs us because she is frightened or sick, she knows that we are there for her. Most nights we read books and cuddle, then she reads (not really) to herself for awhile before going to sleep on her own.

The first two years are a TOUGH time for sleeping. Whether you CIO or co-sleep, nurse on demand or formula feed, there is no easy answer. It’s like weight loss – lol. You have to find something that meets your needs and your baby’s needs, and that you can feel good about. And then don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it!

Good luck. <3

Great post as sleep deprivation is a BIG issue for parents. We also hadn’t realized how a future baby would impact our lives. We didn’t know enough about cosleeping, and we certainly didn’t understand that babies nurse throughout the night, and need soothing before they learn to self-soothe. We already had an organic cotton, pure-grow wool, and natural latex Queen size mattress on a wood IKEA Malm frame. We’d gotten a beautiful used wood convertible oval Stokke bassinette/crib/toddler bed system as a gift but as soon as we got over our smothering fears and I figured out safe side-lying nursing (at 3-6 weeks) we started cosleeping by bed sharing with a long wood bedrail from Kidco. We designate his area of the bed with an organic cotton Naturepedic waterproof mattress pad and a burp cloth for his pillow area. Note that for safety I always face the baby or lie on my back, block my pillow with my arm, and mom dad and baby each have their own sheets which are kept safely far apart. We’ve even removed the slats from the frame in order to place the mattress on the floor but still inside the Malm frame which has a full headboard and is tight against a wall. We pray this doesn’t lead to any mattress mold issues. A Queen bed is a snug fit which gets tighter as our little one gets bigger but it was worth it to prevent SIDS as a newborn, and I still love the convenience of quick nursing and falling asleep … and of course there’s nothing as adorable as how our little guy wakes us up in the morning with taps, smiles, giggles, and cuddles. We use the crib by our bed for naps and for putting our little one to bed alone around 7 or 8pm while we stay up. We’re trying out No-Cry Sleep Solution techniques but I still nurse him to sleep for naps and for the night quite often and dad frequently bounces him to sleep on the ball those same times. Now at 8 1/2 months he is sleeping longer and longer stretches at night and has technically slept through the night maybe 6-8 times from 7 or 8pm to 1 or 2am, a 6 hour stretch in the crib. At that time I bring him to bed, we nurse and nurse again at 4am and at 7am. Dad is also more and more successful at night soothing without my having to nurse him. We hope this trend continues and so are embracing partial cosleeping. We’re just not comfortable with CIO for is age and want him to develop a sense of trust in the world and in his parents. He’s a baby for such a short while. We want him to learn to self- soothe and eventually sleep a 10-12 hour stretch on his own timetable. We are hopeful we won’t have to force the issue with any partial cry-it-out methods when i return to work sometime after he’s a year old. For now we’re willing to wait to see how things unfold.

My wife and I considered ourselves rebels during pregnancy (though in retrospect we really weren’t THAT radical, just different from our parents) and this continued into the early postpartum stage. We had this notion that we would let our parenting skills develop naturally, organically, resisting most outside influences. This approach, of course, was unsound. And when my wife was having trouble figuring out nighttime feedings she turned to THE INTERNET – gasp! – for a solution. It was at the La Leche League website that she discovered the ‘side-lying‘ position and fireworks exploded in her head – nighttime breastfeeding could be a collaborative effort between herself and our newborn!?!? From that moment co-sleeping became an integral part of our early parenting.

Now here is where I may get a few pillows thrown at me… Once our son weaned himself off of breastfeeding, we followed his lead and weaned him out of our bed. We used methods similar to those devised by the ‘devilish’ Dr. Ferber, but modified to fit the needs of our child AND ourselves. Luckily for us we were correct about following his lead, and our son didn’t fuss much. Plus by sticking to a routine (feeding, burping, comforting, reading, swaddling, rocking) we exited this transitional phase as quickly as we entered it.

Would we do it again? This is uncertain, as the answer would depend on the temperament of our next child.

It has been great reading the different experiences. As Aaron we are also quite lucky. Our baby girl started sleeping through the night in a matter of weeks after birth. As a result of birth-complications, she was sent to a ward for some days, and although we had a lot of contact with her during the day, she was without us at night, but under a lot of care from the nurses. She got a pacifier as a result from her failing to calm down in the ward. So when we went home with her, she was a caesarian born baby already addicted to the pacifier and supplemental feeding. Felt like the perfect start for a challenging childhood. (The long term consequences are still to be revealed )
We co-slept for the first few days, with a lot of air between us (put in another bed). This was as much for us to be happy, as I never liked sleeping in a packed situation. We were not sure that she was getting enough milk from her mother, so we balanced it out with formula. She didn’t really notice her being put in own crib after some days, and we started an on-the clock feeding regime, also at night, both getting up if I wasn’t going to work. We learned her behaviour whenever she needed extra formula. The days before D-day when she slept through the night, we fed her well before night set, and when she woke, we tried to reintoduce the pacifier, and listened for a while. We have been advised to go the cry-it-out route, but cut it off after a certain time, pretty much based on when it felt evil not to pick her up. A couple nights later she was getting a good 10 hours (yay). It has been a breeze so long, nine months later. We try to reduce pacifier-use, but she controls this pretty much herself. She is an extremely happy and calm baby (but not complacent and dull!), and we feel extremely lucky. Admitting to the fact that one of the early motivations was for both of us to get enough sleep, the tools of our time, pacifier and formula, has probably been an important ingredient. But I honestly don’t know it was essential. A consequence of liberal use of formula is that she did not want breastmilk after four months.

At the aparently universal question (I’m a belgian mom) “does your baby sleep through the night”, I answer with “do you?” It seems to me a very unnatural thing to actually sleep through a whole night. But waking up every 30 minutes isn’t right too.

My now 4 year old had lots of difficulties falling asleep. Untill she was 2 she woke up at night many times. I wasn’t a single mom, but had a not helping husband. She only fell asleep breastfeeding, untill she was one and a half, and when she finally slept, she woke up immediatly when I tried to release my breast (putting her to bed could take two or more hours). And during the night she could easily wake up for 6-7 times. Cosleeping was a clearly made pre-birth choise, and in these curcumstances the only possible one. I was able to feed lying down (as being a “gifted woman” ) and fall asleep again while nursing. I won’t say I didn’t notice her waking up, I do was tired (!), but it made things easier to carry.

Crying out was not an option for me. As it is babies only way to express a feeling, why ignore this expression and give the idea that being sad, being angry, being afraid is a “wrong emotion”? A crying out baby really stops crying after a while, but not because he isn’t sad anymore, but probably discouraged and apathic.
At the most frustrating moments I kept that in mind. I learnd about “one-minute-meditations”, and created my own way of meditating during these everlasting nursing moments. It took away the frustrations and gave me a moment for reflecting my day, finding rest, making plans,… Being that calm myself, I noticed that my daughter fell asleep easier, and faster.

She stopped waking up that much by herself, and when she moved to her own room (at the age of two and a half) it went smooth and without any problems. She took her own tempo to achieve this. She still wakes up, takes a sip of water and falls asleep again. She’s a wonderful and happy child and talks very well about her feelings.

My relationship with her father stranded, which was very sad for all of us. But well-blessed with a child that could talk about her feelings, made it for her easier to deal with the divorce.

I have a second daughter now, of 8 months. When I put her to bed, I nurse her, but the moment she stops the actual drinking, I take away the breast and stay next to her. She puts her hand on my face to be sure that I ‘m still there, after a few minutes I can leave the room. When she wakes up, my husband takes her in his arms, which is not always succeful, but little by little she learns that he’s there too, and it’s good with him too. At night she wakes up 2-3 times. We have had some harder nights too, at these moments she ends up in the middle of the bed (instead of on my side) , more in his than in my arms, with me talking to her.

I guess it looks a bit like the Sears-method.

A helping thought for these diffucult moments: its difficult for us, but more difficult for the baby, they don’t understand and I ‘m convinced that they really want to sleep, but just not always not know how to find that sleep.

Oh the great sleep debate!

I have two little ones, now 5 and 3, and wow are they both so different but the one thing I did the same with both of them was nursed them exclusively until they weened themselves. But from experience I would say that the most important thing to remember is to get some sleep regardless of what method works for you and your family.

With my first, I was a firm believer in co-sleeping. It was convenient for both me and my son. He would just graze all night long on my breast while I slept peacefully. However I had no clue of what I was getting myself into once I became pregnant with my second and I still had a 18 month old in the bed with me, not to mention I had gone bad to work once my son turned a year old. As I was getting further into my pregnancy I was running out of room in the family bed, I was losing sleep and really not enjoying my second pregnancy. It was then that I decided co-sleeping with my little on was just not going to work any longer. This is where the nasty problem revealed itself, convincing my almost 2 year old that he was a big boy and could sleep in his own room in a big boy bed. Unfortunately he was not buying into this and fought my husband and I with everything a little two year old could muster up. After two extremely long and sleepless months of helping my son to learn how to self-sooth, he finally mastered sleeping in his own room. Needless to say my last trimester of my second pregnancy was absolutely miserable.

So once my second was born, a little girl, it was almost like she had learned in utero that mommy and daddy really are please with good sleepers, LOL. She was an angel when it came to sleeping, she loved to sleep alone in her bassinet and was sleeping through the night by 4mths of age. She transferred beautifully into her crib in her own room around 5 months. And has been an angelic sleeper ever since. So I truly think it is a combination of both the child and parent and what works for all parties involved when it comes to sleep.

But the one big thing I learned is that every child needs to learn to self-sooth and the sooner the better!

Three years later we are all healthy and sleeping great. One would never know that my son was exclusively breast feed and practiced co-sleeping with his parents for two years. He fought us tooth and nail for two long months because he never taught himself to self-sooth and we never gave him a chance until he was already stuck into a routine which he obviously had gotten attached to.

[...] and sleep training/cry it out advocate Marc Weissbluth, M.D. We’re very interested in the sleep debates, but we wonder if Weissbluth taking to his blog to debunk Sears’ research is going to help [...]

Our son is now 22 months and still sleeps in our bed. He still nurses at least 3 times through the night… he may sleep about 5 hours and then nurses. I don’t really care that I am somewhat tired and don’t get a solid nights sleep. I know this won’t last forever and I totally disagree that children need to be forced to learn how to self soothe. They will learn to self soothe when they are ready to handle that. My son is happy and independent – and I attribute that to attachment parenting. I am happy and fulfilled that I am giving my child as much as I can at this time in his life… I knew going into parenting that my life would change. I am happy to let my son nurse and co-sleep as long as he needs. We wake up every morning with a song and a smile for each other – it is warm and loving.